Sweetest Taboo

Heard on the radio today...

"Hello DJ, I'd like to wish my friend Nora very happy 10th wedding anniversary!"

"And what song would you like me to play?"

"Tragedy by the BeeGees"

8 steps to becoming an inspirational being

maybe you'll get your own talk show too!

I landed by accident (don't ask!) at the National Achievers' Congress (ha!) recently and had my second first hand experience with American Evangelism. Raise your hands! Who wants to make more money without working harder? Who wants to have a happier life? And in the words of Dr. Barbara De Angelis, "Who wants to have sex 365 days of the year?" Can't quite believe that people pay hundreds of dollars to listen to them. And that more people will shell out thousands of dollars to spend four days with Anthony Robbins just to bask in his aura and be inspired. Might as well call him Maharashi Tony Robbins and glorify him with a statue!

Anyway, those people standing up there as "trainers" are supposedly "living" examples of success and they were there to make themselves (and by the way, you) more successful by telling you how. Here're my 8 attributes for being a successful crap-talk con artiste:

(1) Rattle off statistics liberally to add credibility. For example, "Did you know that 80 per cent of the top US CEOs interviewed said that they hate eating vegetables but do so to maintain their aura?"

(2) Always mention "Paradigm Shift" no matter which aspect of life you are talking about. Read about the original thinking from the original philosopher here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Kuhn

(3) Indulge in superlatives... ad nauseum.

(4) Tug heartstrings with a sob story. Don't forget to mention your rags to riches to story.

(5) Compose rhythmic, mnemonic aphorisms and ask the audience to stand up and repeat them with you. For example, "I want to possess my own success!" Literal meaning is not important.

(6) Prey on basic human fears like loneliness, poverty, social alienation and subtly hint that the audience are losers with a glimmer of hope of being saved by you - the trainer.

(7) Get audience to sit quietly and stretch the time with 'creative visualization'. Everyone SHOULD feel better after that. If not, they are beyond redemption and should sign up for private class. ka-ching!

(8) Male speakers, strut loads of macho charisma to enlarge presence and exude confidence. Women speakers can show sensitive, caring side to play the Mother figure of authority.

What makes the world oscillate

A friend of mine has a sister who is a nurse. One day, she was switching on the standing fan in her sitting room when her nurse-sister shouted from across the room, "Or-see-late! Or-see-late!"

My friend went, "What?!"

Sister shouted, "OR-SEE-LATE!"

Friend went, "Huh?!!"

Sister went, "OR-SEE-LATE! Make the fan turn lah!"

Turns out that nurse-sister is used to seeing the word "Oscillate" on the switches of fans in the hospitals.

High Tech Vernacular

Email message: please unzip and upload.
(obviously referring to a ZIP file but...)

Conversation:
Colleague: "Are you coming with us for lunch?"
Me: "Now? I can't! I'm burning!"
(obviously referring to the CD-R I'm writing in that CR-R drive)

Question:
Me: "Have you finished burning?"
(obviously referring to that CD-R colleague is writing in that CR-R drive)

Pained Sour Face

Oops! I've seen it again. That face. That kind of face.

Recently, I sold my old SLR camera to a shop that collects these for resale. Of course I know it's only pure business sense for the owner to buy my camera at as low a price as I can bear so that they can resell it for a much higher profit. Then... deja vu, could it be the face that I once knew?

It never fails to to amuse me – that pained sour face in the owner – looking like a suffering soul, appealing to my sentiments in the hope that I would sell my goods at her price! If I give in, I get a faint smile, followed by the same pained look and a very grateful look.

But if I don't, I can expect that indignant look that says, "See if you can get it at a better price else!?"

The bargaining continues and I realise I've taken that pained sour face myself!

Just because I am legally married does not mean I am actually married

"So you ROM oradi?"
READ: "Have you registered your marriage at the Registry of Marriages [ROM]?
"Ya. 3 months oradi."

"So when you getting married?"

"Having my customary probably next year. Also must see when my flat come lor..."

"Oh, but you take wedding photo all oradi?"

"Ya. Take oradi. Now can eat again."

Yet another session of small talk at the office pantry. Perceived or not, there IS a difference between being married in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of all your family, relatives, ancestors, Gods and spirits.

What's your Christian name?

I was waiting for the train when I heard...

"So... what's your Christian name?"
"Christian."

"Ya? So what is it?"

"Christian lah!"

"I know Christian. So what is it!"

"Christian lah!"

"Hello! Got problem is it? What's your Christian name?!"

"Christian! Christian is my Christian name!"

"Oh! So funny one."

"You then funny yourself."

CUE: Silence, all around the train flatform.

What animal are you?

Overheard on the bus...

"So what animal are you?"
"I'm a pig."

"Oh! I heard this year not very good for pigs so you must go and pray. Lucky I am snake."

Those uninitiated in the art of pithy Singaporean small talk may be insulted when asked such a question. But this being Singapore, slash Asia, this being the week before the Chinese New Year, most Singaporean-ized eavesdroppers would have been able to follow that the discussion was on Chinese astrology. It's the time of the year when Chinese are interested in knowing what the year holds for them in realtion to their animal signs (or Chinese Zodiac signs, to put it within a Western context).

Year 2001 has been determined as the year of the snake, the golden snake or the yin metal snake to be precise. For more on the Chinese Astrology system, visit this web site.