Organized Crime legalized in Singapore

Hey! Isn't that Mas Selemat in the lead?

All white people look similar

Ever get the feeling that Caucasians look similar?

What's the alcohol content?

Redundant question of the day:
What's the alcohol content for this beer?

We're friends. But are we associated?

There's nothing like camaraderie for a good ole legal game of Mahjong.

Spotted along Beatty Road.

Mr. Super Chong

Could this be a fengshui name?

From a poster for a ballroom dancing performance. This couple was the special guest performance. Must be a super-duper dancer... this Chong guy.

I cut you!

Overheard in the hair salon

Hairdresser to a customer who is waiting for his turn:
"I cut auntie first ok? Then I cut you."

Three Character Classic

Well... not exactly the Three Character Classic but definitely three words at a time.

Overheard at the cashier of a clothing store:

Cashier: Want join member?
Customer: Member got what?
Cashier: Member got point.
Customer: Point do what?
Cashier: Point exchange things
Customer: I dun want
Cashier: Forty-one dollars please
Customer (digging into purse after giving cashier a $50 note): Give you coin...
Cashier: Ten your change

Customer walks off...

Gulp! I'm next.

Misheard or Misunderstood?

Overheard in the office...

"Ya! But once I do already, you cannot find my S-O!"

Hint: You have to read the above quote out loud.

Translation:

"Once I make the entry, you would not be able to find the same sales order (S-O)"

Do you hear what I hear?

My friend went to Burger King for lunch and developed a listening ear from a value meal:

Deconstructive Criticism

Overheard at IKEA...

Woman A: Want to try?
Woman B: It's not cooked right?
Woman A: It's cooked wan. It's smoked salmon.
Woman B: OK. Let me try a bit.

Woman A (puts salmon to nose): Smells like fish! (eats salmon) Aiyoh! So salty. You better be careful. So salty can get sick wan you know.
Woman B: Your meatballs also very unhealthy what. A lot of fat you know.
Woman A: But salt worse. Can get high blood pressure.
Woman B: Aiyah... never always eat so it's OK.
Woman A: I also never always eat here. My husband lah. His favourite!
Woman B: My husband also! I scold him. He eat so many unhealthy things...

And so it became a husband-bashing session...

By the way, choping is alive and well at IKEA cafe, albeit with classier-looking packages:

I want tomorrow now!

Client to Copywriter: "When can I see the draft of the event report for the newsletter?"

Copywriter: "End of next Monday?"

Client: "No. I want it today. I need to show it to my boss to get his approval."

Copywriter: "Er... but the event's this Friday. So I can't interview guests for their comments and do a report of the event until the event happens right?"

Client: "I don't care. I want the draft by the end of today. This the way we always work. Other agencies have done this for us before. So why can't you?!"

Latast DVD for sales

From a flyer in my mailbox:

GHOST WHISPERER SEASON 1 – 6 DISC

WORLD TRADE CANTRE
(I think my next porn flick would be called World Trade Candra)

BARYARD
(Party animals?)

My name is earl season 1 – re-stack
(So that's how they store 'em)

MCGUYER ALL SEASON - BOXSET
(My "Conversations With God" version would be McGaia)

BABY EINSTEIN – BOXSET

M . A . S . H – SEASON 1-11 ( BOXSET )

THE STAR TREK the choosen collection –BOXSET

STAR TREK VOYAGER SEASON1-7 – BOXSET

STAR TREK ENTERPRISES SEASON1-4 – BOXSET
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

WEST WINGS SEASON 1-7 -BOXSET
(Kenny Rogers is in the business too?)

SESAME STREET COMPLETE WHOLE SET
(So is it the entire set? Everything? Nothing left out? Totally?

PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE –WHOLE SET

THOMAS & FRIEND WHOLE SET
(Don't you just lurve Thomas and his Tank Engine? I'm gagging)

DR WHO THE COMPLETE FIRST SERIES – 5 DISC
(Mary! Could you Dr Who the entire file for me?)

JACK OF ALL TRADE THE COMPLETE MINISERIES
(Uncountable nouns are allsome)

BATTLESTAR GALATICA miniseries – 3DISC
(Roll out the red carpet for Battlestar)

LAW & ORDER THE THIRD YEAR
(In our studios, we start filming after the December school holidays)

PIRATES OF THE CARBBEAN 2 – DVD9
(No thanks. I'm on a zero-carb diet)

SUPERMEN RETURN – DVD9
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

MORE NEW RELEASED KOREAN , HONG KONG , WESTURN , CHINESE SHOW & TV SERIES AVAILABLE OUR WEDSIDE

NOW YOU CAN ENJOY ONLINE PURCHASE !!!!

Miss Golden Shine... you light up my life

Win Oredi Lor!

Banner spotted at my neighbourhood beautician:

Slimming Queen
Beautify King

Eat me!

Overheard at the food court...
"I came to eat you yesterday but you were closed!"

Translation: "I was at your stall yesterday but you were not open for business."

Mounting Room

My friend told me, "The previous agency I worked for had a big room reserved for mounting the artwork on boards.

One Saturday afternoon, someone came back to the office and walked into this room. He saw an account manager doing it with the receptionist on this large table in the room. After that, everyone wondered if it was the spray mount that made the table sticky.

Anyway, this guy was questioned by management as a witness to the event.

"What did you see them doing in the mounting room!"

"Honestly sir. They were just... mounting."

ante meridiem vs post meridiem

Last week, I called the hospital to make an appointment with my specialist.

I was given a Tuesday, 12.10 p.m. slot.

"Can I have a morning appointment instead?"

"Doctor only sees on Tuesday and Thursday."

"So can I have the next available date but a morning timing please?"

"Let me check... OK. Thursday. 11.55 A-M!"

"Never mind. I'll stick to Tuesday 12.10 P-M"

Sweetest Taboo

Heard on the radio today...

"Hello DJ, I'd like to wish my friend Nora very happy 10th wedding anniversary!"

"And what song would you like me to play?"

"Tragedy by the BeeGees"

8 steps to becoming an inspirational being

maybe you'll get your own talk show too!

I landed by accident (don't ask!) at the National Achievers' Congress (ha!) recently and had my second first hand experience with American Evangelism. Raise your hands! Who wants to make more money without working harder? Who wants to have a happier life? And in the words of Dr. Barbara De Angelis, "Who wants to have sex 365 days of the year?" Can't quite believe that people pay hundreds of dollars to listen to them. And that more people will shell out thousands of dollars to spend four days with Anthony Robbins just to bask in his aura and be inspired. Might as well call him Maharashi Tony Robbins and glorify him with a statue!

Anyway, those people standing up there as "trainers" are supposedly "living" examples of success and they were there to make themselves (and by the way, you) more successful by telling you how. Here're my 8 attributes for being a successful crap-talk con artiste:

(1) Rattle off statistics liberally to add credibility. For example, "Did you know that 80 per cent of the top US CEOs interviewed said that they hate eating vegetables but do so to maintain their aura?"

(2) Always mention "Paradigm Shift" no matter which aspect of life you are talking about. Read about the original thinking from the original philosopher here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Kuhn

(3) Indulge in superlatives... ad nauseum.

(4) Tug heartstrings with a sob story. Don't forget to mention your rags to riches to story.

(5) Compose rhythmic, mnemonic aphorisms and ask the audience to stand up and repeat them with you. For example, "I want to possess my own success!" Literal meaning is not important.

(6) Prey on basic human fears like loneliness, poverty, social alienation and subtly hint that the audience are losers with a glimmer of hope of being saved by you - the trainer.

(7) Get audience to sit quietly and stretch the time with 'creative visualization'. Everyone SHOULD feel better after that. If not, they are beyond redemption and should sign up for private class. ka-ching!

(8) Male speakers, strut loads of macho charisma to enlarge presence and exude confidence. Women speakers can show sensitive, caring side to play the Mother figure of authority.

What makes the world oscillate

A friend of mine has a sister who is a nurse. One day, she was switching on the standing fan in her sitting room when her nurse-sister shouted from across the room, "Or-see-late! Or-see-late!"

My friend went, "What?!"

Sister shouted, "OR-SEE-LATE!"

Friend went, "Huh?!!"

Sister went, "OR-SEE-LATE! Make the fan turn lah!"

Turns out that nurse-sister is used to seeing the word "Oscillate" on the switches of fans in the hospitals.

High Tech Vernacular

Email message: please unzip and upload.
(obviously referring to a ZIP file but...)

Conversation:
Colleague: "Are you coming with us for lunch?"
Me: "Now? I can't! I'm burning!"
(obviously referring to the CD-R I'm writing in that CR-R drive)

Question:
Me: "Have you finished burning?"
(obviously referring to that CD-R colleague is writing in that CR-R drive)