Chinatown's Toots Thielemans?

You never know who you might bump into at Chinatown.

Note the red and blue hair. I wonder if he colored it himself.

I get a feeling we're not in [insert name of place] anymore

I was doing a search online for an AXS station to pay my bills. When I clicked on 'View Location Image', I assumed I would find a map indicating the location of the AXS station. But it gets 'better':

Oh! It's next to the phone booth on the void deck, on the wall flanking the blue door, with red pipes running above it and...

Pika-pika pika chu piii !

When the government speaks, listen!

If you want to be heard, speak in the same language.

Free translators available here.

This message was brought to you by your new NMPs:

Grandmaster Lil Mack says yo! yO! YO!

Somebody exorcize Fergie's "London Bridge" from my head!

How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…

Wonder how she gon to do da Christmissy song?

ORIGINAL LYRICS (We wish you a Merry Christmas):

We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Run it through this neat hip-hop translator and you get:

We wizzay you a Merry Christmas;
We W-to-tha-izzish you a Merry Christmas;
We wizzay you a Merry Christmas n a Happy New Year.

Good weed-smokin' we bring ta you n yo kizzle
Good tid'n fo` Christmas n a Happy New Year.

Here are some suggestions for getting started:
National anthems, hymnals, mission statements, taglines, a patriotic pledge... now go!

Stocking Stuffers - totally redefined

I was shopping on Amazon.com for an interesting DVD as a Christmas present.

Following Amazon.com's recommendations led to unexpected stocking stuffers:


Deliberate Orgasm Duet: Expanding Female Orgasm plus The Technique of Peaking and Extended Orgasm

You gotta love the puns from these ecstatic reviews (and their pedagogical outlook):

Reviewer: Don-11 "Don-11" (California, United States): ...I am thrilled to see it now on DVD
...The instructors describe in details what they are doing and feeling throughout the demonstration, answering very good questions from the audience
... The woman is beautiful in it. Not only is her [...] beautiful (sic) but the lesson she and the man are trying to teach us is what makes this tape so marvelous. Her whole body radiates at each stroke of her clitoris. (ever heard of faking, Don?) Her anus is so beautiful as it contracts and her labia engorge more and more as he is DOing her. (this is too technical for me)
...I tried to do as the tape instructs and concentrate on her orgasm and feel it in my own body...Haven't we all wanted and tried to make our orgasms rise to this plateau and stay there floating on a billowy white cloud of pleasure for as long as we wanted without going over the edge? (ooo... waxing lyrical. so poetic!)

Reviewer: Robert L: ...Lying in bed, knowing what is going to happen with lots of digital stimulation, gets me erect, almost throbbing.

Reviewer: Rebecca (New York City): ...gives you the fundamentals of sensuality and is chock full of information of what this Deliberate Orgasm is all about and how to do it.

There are even frame grabs from the DVD:

Caption: a "climactic moment" for Melody X.

Caption: Hosts Crystal Lowe & Natasha Ray

Caption: Crystal Lowe introduces the Advanced position category

I want tomorrow now!

Client to Copywriter: "When can I see the draft of the event report for the newsletter?"

Copywriter: "End of next Monday?"

Client: "No. I want it today. I need to show it to my boss to get his approval."

Copywriter: "Er... but the event's this Friday. So I can't interview guests for their comments and do a report of the event until the event happens right?"

Client: "I don't care. I want the draft by the end of today. This the way we always work. Other agencies have done this for us before. So why can't you?!"

4D Yong Tao Foo

$3 BIG $2 SMALL bee hoon dry please.

And iBet there's soup too!

Sign on it. Pachyderm!

Is the pachyderm still holding out...


Or does she need persuasion... to sign the model release?


I want total cooperation. Full rights only. You hear me?

Latast DVD for sales

From a flyer in my mailbox:

GHOST WHISPERER SEASON 1 – 6 DISC

WORLD TRADE CANTRE
(I think my next porn flick would be called World Trade Candra)

BARYARD
(Party animals?)

My name is earl season 1 – re-stack
(So that's how they store 'em)

MCGUYER ALL SEASON - BOXSET
(My "Conversations With God" version would be McGaia)

BABY EINSTEIN – BOXSET

M . A . S . H – SEASON 1-11 ( BOXSET )

THE STAR TREK the choosen collection –BOXSET

STAR TREK VOYAGER SEASON1-7 – BOXSET

STAR TREK ENTERPRISES SEASON1-4 – BOXSET
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

WEST WINGS SEASON 1-7 -BOXSET
(Kenny Rogers is in the business too?)

SESAME STREET COMPLETE WHOLE SET
(So is it the entire set? Everything? Nothing left out? Totally?

PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE –WHOLE SET

THOMAS & FRIEND WHOLE SET
(Don't you just lurve Thomas and his Tank Engine? I'm gagging)

DR WHO THE COMPLETE FIRST SERIES – 5 DISC
(Mary! Could you Dr Who the entire file for me?)

JACK OF ALL TRADE THE COMPLETE MINISERIES
(Uncountable nouns are allsome)

BATTLESTAR GALATICA miniseries – 3DISC
(Roll out the red carpet for Battlestar)

LAW & ORDER THE THIRD YEAR
(In our studios, we start filming after the December school holidays)

PIRATES OF THE CARBBEAN 2 – DVD9
(No thanks. I'm on a zero-carb diet)

SUPERMEN RETURN – DVD9
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

MORE NEW RELEASED KOREAN , HONG KONG , WESTURN , CHINESE SHOW & TV SERIES AVAILABLE OUR WEDSIDE

NOW YOU CAN ENJOY ONLINE PURCHASE !!!!

Miss Golden Shine... you light up my life

Win Oredi Lor!

Banner spotted at my neighbourhood beautician:

Slimming Queen
Beautify King

Eat me!

Overheard at the food court...
"I came to eat you yesterday but you were closed!"

Translation: "I was at your stall yesterday but you were not open for business."

Mounting Room

My friend told me, "The previous agency I worked for had a big room reserved for mounting the artwork on boards.

One Saturday afternoon, someone came back to the office and walked into this room. He saw an account manager doing it with the receptionist on this large table in the room. After that, everyone wondered if it was the spray mount that made the table sticky.

Anyway, this guy was questioned by management as a witness to the event.

"What did you see them doing in the mounting room!"

"Honestly sir. They were just... mounting."

ante meridiem vs post meridiem

Last week, I called the hospital to make an appointment with my specialist.

I was given a Tuesday, 12.10 p.m. slot.

"Can I have a morning appointment instead?"

"Doctor only sees on Tuesday and Thursday."

"So can I have the next available date but a morning timing please?"

"Let me check... OK. Thursday. 11.55 A-M!"

"Never mind. I'll stick to Tuesday 12.10 P-M"

Sweetest Taboo

Heard on the radio today...

"Hello DJ, I'd like to wish my friend Nora very happy 10th wedding anniversary!"

"And what song would you like me to play?"

"Tragedy by the BeeGees"

8 steps to becoming an inspirational being

maybe you'll get your own talk show too!

I landed by accident (don't ask!) at the National Achievers' Congress (ha!) recently and had my second first hand experience with American Evangelism. Raise your hands! Who wants to make more money without working harder? Who wants to have a happier life? And in the words of Dr. Barbara De Angelis, "Who wants to have sex 365 days of the year?" Can't quite believe that people pay hundreds of dollars to listen to them. And that more people will shell out thousands of dollars to spend four days with Anthony Robbins just to bask in his aura and be inspired. Might as well call him Maharashi Tony Robbins and glorify him with a statue!

Anyway, those people standing up there as "trainers" are supposedly "living" examples of success and they were there to make themselves (and by the way, you) more successful by telling you how. Here're my 8 attributes for being a successful crap-talk con artiste:

(1) Rattle off statistics liberally to add credibility. For example, "Did you know that 80 per cent of the top US CEOs interviewed said that they hate eating vegetables but do so to maintain their aura?"

(2) Always mention "Paradigm Shift" no matter which aspect of life you are talking about. Read about the original thinking from the original philosopher here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Kuhn

(3) Indulge in superlatives... ad nauseum.

(4) Tug heartstrings with a sob story. Don't forget to mention your rags to riches to story.

(5) Compose rhythmic, mnemonic aphorisms and ask the audience to stand up and repeat them with you. For example, "I want to possess my own success!" Literal meaning is not important.

(6) Prey on basic human fears like loneliness, poverty, social alienation and subtly hint that the audience are losers with a glimmer of hope of being saved by you - the trainer.

(7) Get audience to sit quietly and stretch the time with 'creative visualization'. Everyone SHOULD feel better after that. If not, they are beyond redemption and should sign up for private class. ka-ching!

(8) Male speakers, strut loads of macho charisma to enlarge presence and exude confidence. Women speakers can show sensitive, caring side to play the Mother figure of authority.

What makes the world oscillate

A friend of mine has a sister who is a nurse. One day, she was switching on the standing fan in her sitting room when her nurse-sister shouted from across the room, "Or-see-late! Or-see-late!"

My friend went, "What?!"

Sister shouted, "OR-SEE-LATE!"

Friend went, "Huh?!!"

Sister went, "OR-SEE-LATE! Make the fan turn lah!"

Turns out that nurse-sister is used to seeing the word "Oscillate" on the switches of fans in the hospitals.

High Tech Vernacular

Email message: please unzip and upload.
(obviously referring to a ZIP file but...)

Conversation:
Colleague: "Are you coming with us for lunch?"
Me: "Now? I can't! I'm burning!"
(obviously referring to the CD-R I'm writing in that CR-R drive)

Question:
Me: "Have you finished burning?"
(obviously referring to that CD-R colleague is writing in that CR-R drive)

Pained Sour Face

Oops! I've seen it again. That face. That kind of face.

Recently, I sold my old SLR camera to a shop that collects these for resale. Of course I know it's only pure business sense for the owner to buy my camera at as low a price as I can bear so that they can resell it for a much higher profit. Then... deja vu, could it be the face that I once knew?

It never fails to to amuse me – that pained sour face in the owner – looking like a suffering soul, appealing to my sentiments in the hope that I would sell my goods at her price! If I give in, I get a faint smile, followed by the same pained look and a very grateful look.

But if I don't, I can expect that indignant look that says, "See if you can get it at a better price else!?"

The bargaining continues and I realise I've taken that pained sour face myself!

Just because I am legally married does not mean I am actually married

"So you ROM oradi?"
READ: "Have you registered your marriage at the Registry of Marriages [ROM]?
"Ya. 3 months oradi."

"So when you getting married?"

"Having my customary probably next year. Also must see when my flat come lor..."

"Oh, but you take wedding photo all oradi?"

"Ya. Take oradi. Now can eat again."

Yet another session of small talk at the office pantry. Perceived or not, there IS a difference between being married in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of all your family, relatives, ancestors, Gods and spirits.

What's your Christian name?

I was waiting for the train when I heard...

"So... what's your Christian name?"
"Christian."

"Ya? So what is it?"

"Christian lah!"

"I know Christian. So what is it!"

"Christian lah!"

"Hello! Got problem is it? What's your Christian name?!"

"Christian! Christian is my Christian name!"

"Oh! So funny one."

"You then funny yourself."

CUE: Silence, all around the train flatform.