SEX always goes long and far...

Quick! What are the three classics of advertising?

Here's a hint, based on what this company from Hong Kong has done on their re-positioning:


Sorry, mature audiences, you've been detoxed from Long Far Health Products.

And... the three classics of advertising, which are fail-safe, at least in getting attention are (in no particular order):

(1) Sex
(2) Babies
(3) Cute Pets

Not even a celebrity can outshine these in a TVC or print ad, unless the celebrity is classified under one of the 3 categories.

Merry XXXLMAS!

For a guilt-free Christmas, who wouldn't lurve Chunky Pam?

Together now!

"His face lit up like Rudolph

When I took my sweat suit off..."

Chunky Pam - Chunky Pam - Chunk-Chunk-Chunk-Chunky Pam

Misheard or Misunderstood?

Overheard in the office...

"Ya! But once I do already, you cannot find my S-O!"

Hint: You have to read the above quote out loud.

Translation:

"Once I make the entry, you would not be able to find the same sales order (S-O)"

What I want for Christmas

Looks like loads of fun for about 8 quids! Too bad they're out of stock.

Get your very own Racing Grannies at Firebox.com

Do you hear what I hear?

My friend went to Burger King for lunch and developed a listening ear from a value meal:

Deconstructive Criticism

Overheard at IKEA...

Woman A: Want to try?
Woman B: It's not cooked right?
Woman A: It's cooked wan. It's smoked salmon.
Woman B: OK. Let me try a bit.

Woman A (puts salmon to nose): Smells like fish! (eats salmon) Aiyoh! So salty. You better be careful. So salty can get sick wan you know.
Woman B: Your meatballs also very unhealthy what. A lot of fat you know.
Woman A: But salt worse. Can get high blood pressure.
Woman B: Aiyah... never always eat so it's OK.
Woman A: I also never always eat here. My husband lah. His favourite!
Woman B: My husband also! I scold him. He eat so many unhealthy things...

And so it became a husband-bashing session...

By the way, choping is alive and well at IKEA cafe, albeit with classier-looking packages:

The pains & pleasures of shopping

"Can I help you?"
"No thanks. I bruise easily."

And just in time for your Christmas shopping:

Singapore Adult Sex Toys
Online Adult Sex Toys Store Vibrators, Masturbators, Love Dolls

Shopintimates Singapore
Adult Sex Toys Online & Retail Shop Singapore, Malaysia & Indonesia

Chinatown's Toots Thielemans?

You never know who you might bump into at Chinatown.

Note the red and blue hair. I wonder if he colored it himself.

I get a feeling we're not in [insert name of place] anymore

I was doing a search online for an AXS station to pay my bills. When I clicked on 'View Location Image', I assumed I would find a map indicating the location of the AXS station. But it gets 'better':

Oh! It's next to the phone booth on the void deck, on the wall flanking the blue door, with red pipes running above it and...

Pika-pika pika chu piii !

When the government speaks, listen!

If you want to be heard, speak in the same language.

Free translators available here.

This message was brought to you by your new NMPs:

Grandmaster Lil Mack says yo! yO! YO!

Somebody exorcize Fergie's "London Bridge" from my head!

How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…

Wonder how she gon to do da Christmissy song?

ORIGINAL LYRICS (We wish you a Merry Christmas):

We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Run it through this neat hip-hop translator and you get:

We wizzay you a Merry Christmas;
We W-to-tha-izzish you a Merry Christmas;
We wizzay you a Merry Christmas n a Happy New Year.

Good weed-smokin' we bring ta you n yo kizzle
Good tid'n fo` Christmas n a Happy New Year.

Here are some suggestions for getting started:
National anthems, hymnals, mission statements, taglines, a patriotic pledge... now go!

Stocking Stuffers - totally redefined

I was shopping on Amazon.com for an interesting DVD as a Christmas present.

Following Amazon.com's recommendations led to unexpected stocking stuffers:


Deliberate Orgasm Duet: Expanding Female Orgasm plus The Technique of Peaking and Extended Orgasm

You gotta love the puns from these ecstatic reviews (and their pedagogical outlook):

Reviewer: Don-11 "Don-11" (California, United States): ...I am thrilled to see it now on DVD
...The instructors describe in details what they are doing and feeling throughout the demonstration, answering very good questions from the audience
... The woman is beautiful in it. Not only is her [...] beautiful (sic) but the lesson she and the man are trying to teach us is what makes this tape so marvelous. Her whole body radiates at each stroke of her clitoris. (ever heard of faking, Don?) Her anus is so beautiful as it contracts and her labia engorge more and more as he is DOing her. (this is too technical for me)
...I tried to do as the tape instructs and concentrate on her orgasm and feel it in my own body...Haven't we all wanted and tried to make our orgasms rise to this plateau and stay there floating on a billowy white cloud of pleasure for as long as we wanted without going over the edge? (ooo... waxing lyrical. so poetic!)

Reviewer: Robert L: ...Lying in bed, knowing what is going to happen with lots of digital stimulation, gets me erect, almost throbbing.

Reviewer: Rebecca (New York City): ...gives you the fundamentals of sensuality and is chock full of information of what this Deliberate Orgasm is all about and how to do it.

There are even frame grabs from the DVD:

Caption: a "climactic moment" for Melody X.

Caption: Hosts Crystal Lowe & Natasha Ray

Caption: Crystal Lowe introduces the Advanced position category

I want tomorrow now!

Client to Copywriter: "When can I see the draft of the event report for the newsletter?"

Copywriter: "End of next Monday?"

Client: "No. I want it today. I need to show it to my boss to get his approval."

Copywriter: "Er... but the event's this Friday. So I can't interview guests for their comments and do a report of the event until the event happens right?"

Client: "I don't care. I want the draft by the end of today. This the way we always work. Other agencies have done this for us before. So why can't you?!"

4D Yong Tao Foo

$3 BIG $2 SMALL bee hoon dry please.

And iBet there's soup too!

Sign on it. Pachyderm!

Is the pachyderm still holding out...


Or does she need persuasion... to sign the model release?


I want total cooperation. Full rights only. You hear me?

Latast DVD for sales

From a flyer in my mailbox:

GHOST WHISPERER SEASON 1 – 6 DISC

WORLD TRADE CANTRE
(I think my next porn flick would be called World Trade Candra)

BARYARD
(Party animals?)

My name is earl season 1 – re-stack
(So that's how they store 'em)

MCGUYER ALL SEASON - BOXSET
(My "Conversations With God" version would be McGaia)

BABY EINSTEIN – BOXSET

M . A . S . H – SEASON 1-11 ( BOXSET )

THE STAR TREK the choosen collection –BOXSET

STAR TREK VOYAGER SEASON1-7 – BOXSET

STAR TREK ENTERPRISES SEASON1-4 – BOXSET
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

WEST WINGS SEASON 1-7 -BOXSET
(Kenny Rogers is in the business too?)

SESAME STREET COMPLETE WHOLE SET
(So is it the entire set? Everything? Nothing left out? Totally?

PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE –WHOLE SET

THOMAS & FRIEND WHOLE SET
(Don't you just lurve Thomas and his Tank Engine? I'm gagging)

DR WHO THE COMPLETE FIRST SERIES – 5 DISC
(Mary! Could you Dr Who the entire file for me?)

JACK OF ALL TRADE THE COMPLETE MINISERIES
(Uncountable nouns are allsome)

BATTLESTAR GALATICA miniseries – 3DISC
(Roll out the red carpet for Battlestar)

LAW & ORDER THE THIRD YEAR
(In our studios, we start filming after the December school holidays)

PIRATES OF THE CARBBEAN 2 – DVD9
(No thanks. I'm on a zero-carb diet)

SUPERMEN RETURN – DVD9
(You always get more when you order your DVDs from them)

MORE NEW RELEASED KOREAN , HONG KONG , WESTURN , CHINESE SHOW & TV SERIES AVAILABLE OUR WEDSIDE

NOW YOU CAN ENJOY ONLINE PURCHASE !!!!

Miss Golden Shine... you light up my life

Win Oredi Lor!

Banner spotted at my neighbourhood beautician:

Slimming Queen
Beautify King

Eat me!

Overheard at the food court...
"I came to eat you yesterday but you were closed!"

Translation: "I was at your stall yesterday but you were not open for business."

Mounting Room

My friend told me, "The previous agency I worked for had a big room reserved for mounting the artwork on boards.

One Saturday afternoon, someone came back to the office and walked into this room. He saw an account manager doing it with the receptionist on this large table in the room. After that, everyone wondered if it was the spray mount that made the table sticky.

Anyway, this guy was questioned by management as a witness to the event.

"What did you see them doing in the mounting room!"

"Honestly sir. They were just... mounting."

ante meridiem vs post meridiem

Last week, I called the hospital to make an appointment with my specialist.

I was given a Tuesday, 12.10 p.m. slot.

"Can I have a morning appointment instead?"

"Doctor only sees on Tuesday and Thursday."

"So can I have the next available date but a morning timing please?"

"Let me check... OK. Thursday. 11.55 A-M!"

"Never mind. I'll stick to Tuesday 12.10 P-M"